Time Machines.....Everywhere.

People who know me are fully aware that from time to time my job takes me up and down the country. This involves the overnight stay in some beige hotel. Occasionally when the client is paying I stay in a nice hotel. They are pretty much the same, although usually one has a better view, normally a field with cows in. Why I am telling you this dearest reader? Well for two reasons. The first and largest reason is to explain why this blog has not been updated. The second reason is to tell you about a phenomenon I witness fairly often in hotels.

I've watched many a sci-fi programme about time travel. I've even listened to Radio 4 (ark at me!) philosophy debates about the concept of time travel. I have even read about it. But no official government source will admit that they are a reality today.

Portals into the future do exist. I've seen them - many a time. I even saw one earlier this week. Where? OK I'll let you in on the secret.

Every hotel bedroom I've stopped in during the last few years has had one in the corner of the room. They are cold and boxy, but not very big. You could possibly fit into one if you took all the shelves out. But never the less there they are. A distinct and direct portal into the future.

If you are ever in a hotel and want to know how much a can of Coke and Pringles will cost in 2019 go on, just open the door and take a peek. We all better start saving now.

A new service from Google......

Flying, not drowning.......

For the regular readers of this blog (I shit you not when I say some people return here more often than they should) you will be aware that I ha’ve been away. And that involved going on a plane.

Post 11.09.01 flying has taken on a new level of focus for me. In the good old days we had rubbish terrorists. Should your plane get high-jacked it meant had to sit on the tarmac for a few days in a very hot and sweaty 757. Occasionally a high-jacker would shoot someone in the head and chuck them done the plane steps to prove to The Sweeney that they meant the business. I guess the worst you had to do was shit in a TWA coffee pot and put up with the smell. Subject to SAS approval most people got out of high-jacking alive.

Things changed in September ’01. Now high-jacking goes with a 100% chance of being killed very quickly. For me, that puts a different slant on flying.

Prior to 11.09.01 I was very carefree about flying, but because I was out in New York in the Fall of 01, (maybe that'’s a different blog entry for a different day) I now listen to the safety briefing prior to take off.

They use a syntax that is a delight to hear. It proves how rich, deep and malleable the English language is. They chunter on about emergency exits and then they don the lifejacket and deliver one of the best sentences in use in the world today;

"“In the event of a sea landing...."”

A sea landing!! WTF!! I think they mean; "In the event of a crash at sea”." You can just hear the captain thinking; "‘How shall I land today? Hmm, my choices are either a modern airport, near the passport and customs facilities or the cold and dark North Sea, involving certain death for some.Hmmm Decisions, Decisions, Decisions."

How many ‘sea landings’ have you ever had? None? Exactly.

They continue the most perfect of perfect sentences;

"your seat will become a floatation device."”

No, no it won'’t. Your seat is a floatation device. It won'’t become one. Sudden exposure to salt water will not alter it'’s molecular structure.

So again, if I reverse the sentence round to a more accurate and negative (my) viewpoint;

"“In the event of the plane crashing in the sea, and you survive; hold on to anything that you can see floating in the water"”

I don'’t think I'’ll listen to the briefings any more, they scare me.

Another day, Another J-peg.......

A Level Results Day. I wonder how Sam got on......

You lot enjoy a good headline - So how's this!

I'm Back, the full size terrorists didn't get me, but the little ones did!

Well you will be overjoyed to hear that I'm back from annual leave full refreshed and raring to go writing this load of drivel. I can't believe that this stuff actually gets read - Phineas Taylor Barnum was right.


Funny headline of yours I hear you cry across the interspaz. Well you'll be near orgasmic to learn that my flights remained on time and it was hand luggage a go-go.

Normally 100% of this blog has no reference to any form of reality. However, the following I promise is true. Little terrorists? Well here goes...

We arrived at the rustic venue in Spain our friends was getting married. In the car-park was an Series III 109" LandRover CKD Santana as a display thingy. (With optional safari roof!) See actual item above left. As some of you are aware out in interspaz land I'm a big fan of all things LandRover. Lifting the heavy cases out of the car I made a mental note to return for a proper *anal* inspection.

A few days later as the sun was setting I decided that now was my chance - I made a break from the family, put my metaphorical anorak on and made a dash for it. May I also add at this point that I'd had a bit to drink.

Sad nacker LandRover fans out there will be fully aware that you can access the engine compartment catch without having to access the cab. 'Pop' went the bonnet and I lifted it fully up and onto it's elbowed latch. I had a real good look around. The battery was missing - as you would expect for a display item, but everything was in place except for some odd modification.

You see dear reader, please bear with the 'tech' speak a little longer, LandRovers of that age either come with an oil bath air intake for cooler climates, or more commonly for hotter climates a more efficient centrifugal air cleaning intake. This little baby had a modification I hadn't seen before.

It was some sort of 'honeycombed' system. A bit like the 'Webber' stuff you can get now-a-days for carburetors. Hmmm, interesting. So I gave it a firm squeeze.

I quickly discovered it wasn't an air cleaner, but a wasps nest. Bugger. I was in for trouble.

Boy did they kick my arse as I raced across the car-park. Wasps stinging starting on my hands and going right up my arms. I retreated back to the bar but at least I didn't cry. As far as I'm aware the bonnet remains up to this day.

Anyroad, it's good to be back.

Stay away from LandRovers kids. No good will come of it.

Holiday.....

You will be no doubt overjoyed to find out that I'm on annual leave for the next week or two - so no updates.

However, while I'm here. Why do you lot read this rubbish? I have absolutely nothing to say but still this blog receives a lot of traffic. Hmmm. *strokes chin*

Have fun kids, be nice to each other and I'll see you when I get back.

KCC
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